Give Me A Call

Dear CR,

8282 by davichi, eff i am soo in love with that song right now :) haha. My current obsession?? Is True Blood!!! oooo my sing dao haha I feel like a twitard fan girl screaming for Edward Cullen -________- but seirously I really do like that show, I wish there were more than 2 seasons so I could just keep on watching it.

Other than that, compared to my emotional rocking that I was doing before, I have calmed down quite a lot. School is going...well I still don't know how quite to describe it. Truth be told, I do not like it. Honestly, I think it is because I see all my friends off at universities off having great times and meeting new people, but I am still here going to classes that I do not really care for too much. I am not blaming anyone but myself, I definitely should have tried harder in high school, but I could throw shoulda, coulda, wouldas all day long but it would not change a single thing. So I hope that I can keep on keeping on, although I am not too sure if I am capable of self-motivating myself =/ Family...is pretty good too. I am still aware of financial problems my parents deal with, and God bless them, they put on a facade and try their hardest to be strong for us and I love them so much for that. My texas family is going through their own thing, but I know that they will be ok, they are strong and great people. Me?... haha you know me, I am always going through some drama or shit. Like I said before, I feel like I have calmed down a lot, although I do have waves of it that come back, but I deal with them as the come. I still miss her a lot alot, talking and such is not the same anymore, I know if I let myself think that it is the same, then the feelings that I have been trying to suppress will all come out. That is the thing that I think I am realizing, that the feelings will never really go away, I just have to learn to pack them in to a box...a very special box, and keep them inside; only taking them out to "smell" them, by keeping them in a box and revisitng every once in a while... it saves it. Who knows? Next week I might be sulking all over again.

One thing that keeps me going, is something that I realized everyone should do. And if I remind myself of it, I try a little harder and it makes me feel better...

so Live High and Love Unconditionally

David

Happy Birthday Part Deux

Dear CR,

Today...was a good day :) It had been so long since I had a good birthday, that I had forgotten how good it felt to have one. All I had wanted today, was to feel special. I definitely got that today, and I was just truly and completely happy today, a good change compared to what i have been lately. Idk...bobbaganoosh!! Is that even a real thing?

David


"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln

Happy Birthday

Dear CR,

Today is my birthday, and I am 18, legally an adult...someone has already made it very special to me, by saying some things that just meant a whole lot. I miss some people a lot right now, and would give a lot to see them. Anyways, this was just a random one.

David

808s and Heartbreak

Dear CR,

Kanye West, wrote the album 808s and Heartbreak, saying it was inspired from "love, loneliness and heartache", and that it was basically his journey through a very hard and down time in his life. I am not saying my emotions are close to what he felt, but in a small way, I can see what he meant or what he tried to say by writing those songs. The song "Streetlights" by Kanye West, is a really powerful song to me...it has always been my favorite song off of the album, but recently I have seen the song in a new light, and the meaning hits me...(look up the lyrics)

The first two verses are about him questioning himself and second-guessing his own feelings. To him, he feels like all these wonderful moments in his life came and went before he even had time to appreciate them. Dude is questioning whether it's normal to be this nostalgic, to think back on those moments, and whether he'll ever just live in the present and not think back on those moments that occurred. Dude's emotional, and he wants to just escape. He has all these emotional problems, and he just wants to be somewhere else, but as he sees these lights pass him by, he thinks of all these moments that escaped him before he had the chance to appreciate them. His "destination" is a truly happy life, but there are all these memories haunting him -- reminding him. He paid his fare -- he struggled and underwent a lot of pain, that was his payment. But he still has to deal with the pain of his past before he can be truly happy -- to arrive at his destination.Child-like, he ends with "life's just not fair." This is self-explanatory, and is something that all people can relate to.

When I was a kid, my catch phrase used to be "Life is good", I wish I could still say that, that I was still that innocent. As I realize more and more of my family problems, and problems that my future will bring, and the problems I have now, I sometimes get overwhelmed and want to yell that life is just not fair. Life throws shit at you from all sides at once, and learning how to deal with it all is still beyond me...I am looking for some stability in my life, but can't seem to find or discover even, what that could be to me. I am too scared and hurt to put it on another person right now...I do not know if I could take that. My walk with God is so weak... My family, well I have never been able to talk to them about problems. Although I am not really alone...I feel like it. There are people that are there for me, and are willing to reach out to me...but maybe I should start shutting out and protecting my heart...I have always reached out and left my heart open to anything and everything...I just don't know right now.


Streetlights- Kanye West

Frustration

Dear CR,

URGH!! UGH!! BLAH!!! SING DAO MAAAAHHH!!!! I am an emotional hurrricane right now, and it is all uncalled for. Well at least I think so. I am sitting here and my heart is racing, you know~~"knees weak, palms are sweaty", except I am not a rapper...I'm just a sad asian kid with a sad, pathetic excuse for his "problems". I wish I could go through real hardship so I can know hardship and pain..."umm waitor, cancer for one please...oh no need for a to-go box, I plan to take it all at once"...I do not even know why I am so mad at myself for...feeling these things and thinking these thoughts, if anything, I should have seen it coming. I just wish I knew if it was good or bad, or what even the near future is going to bring to me, so I could just get over it all. I am tired of crying, but I keep crying...I am tired of waiting, and here I am waiting...I am tired of falling...no I am not. Is it that I secretly like, falling? I have not stopped falling, nor have I honestly tried to stop myself from doing so...now I have just talked myself into confusion. Falling for You.

David

"Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help, falling in love with you." -Elvis Presley

To Love

Dear CR,

Where to start??? Well this past weekend, me and my girlfriend broke up. Until tonight, it did not really hit me that we had broken up. I tried to keep myself busy this weekend to keep my mind off of it, for a while I thought I was ok, but tonight on the phone with her, I just broke down. It was weird, I have cried in front of her more times than I care to remember, but this time I really did not want to. I tried to hold it back and I really did not want her to hear me cry. I want her to be able to move on as easily as possible and not to feel bad for me because I have no idea when I will be ok to move on, honestly I am still just as much in love with her, the only difference now, being that she is not my girlfriend anymore...kind of a big difference huh? It is not like I am just devastated and crying every day wondering why? why? why? but at the same time, it is kind of hard for me to accept that it really is over. She is my first...everything. My first true love, something that I have always wanted to be able to say, that I am in love with this person. I have always taken pride in my ability, my capacity to love. I have a big heart and I love using it to show people that I care...but I love using it to love someone the most. The thing is, I loved her...I still love her...and I know that in one way or another, I will always love that girl. I really hope that we can manage to stay close because she has made such an impact on my life, and is so special to me; you only get a handful of people that mean that much to you in your life, so I definitely do not want to lose that kind of person. Right now, I am so lost, confused, sad, hurt...its like as if my heart is a steel cage for a bunch of juiced up emotions all too big to fit into the cage, and they are fighting for control...yea pretty hectic. Time is my friend here, and I just have to take it day by day and hope that I can find peace within myself over this matter. I am hurting inside, but with every hurt comes healing and strength, I am down right now but I will be ok someday so I am not worrying too much :)

To love, David

If you felt it, then it was true. Getting hurt doesn't always mean you suffered, it means you loved sincerely. Don't frown because it's over, smile because it happened. -Me

Epiphany

Dear CR,

As one does on a break, I have been thinking a lot. I am trying my best to embrace the positives I have right now. The time to think and reflect has really been really good for me. Although, my brain is clustered like mad, with a little help from my good, old, most dearest friend, Music<3; slowly but surely, I am peeling away at the thick onion that is my crowded mind. Firstly, I have found that I do not have lot figured out, and have been trying to control every aspect of my life on my own. You know those moments you have? Where you hear stories of people making mistakes, from a third perosn point of view, you can clearly see is stupid. You say to yourself,"I would never do that. I would recognize what was happening, and stop it." Well clearly, I fail. I am so small in this giant, unpredictable, and dramatic world/life I have been put in, and to even imagine that I could single-handedly, without any help whatsoever, take it on is not only stupid, but unhealthy. I have to remember to rely on others, and not just one person like I have become used to, but to the many resources I have at my disposal. O don't worry too much, it's not like I have been totally alone, I have a few friends that I do talk about things with, it's just that sometimes I refrain from telling anyone some things I should because I'm afraid they'll judge me? that they're getting tired of my same old same old crap? I have no idea, but I do it. Well, I know I started this off with a "firstly" but yea...haha sorry :p Just a guy realizing that the world is far too big to narrow your vision down.

Until next time CR.

Evaluation means looking for the value in something ... [asking the questions] Where do I find the value in this new intervention? Where do I find the value in this new approach? -- Trent Batson